I Have a Tender Opening

i know every professional has it's own dirty-but-accepted terms... well, actually i really only know the ones in structural engineering

  - erection stages
  - stiff member
  - jacking force
  - butt tight

and so on.

well my job responsibilities have brought me face to face with my new favourite expression in my line of work. yesterday i got to tell our receptionist as i walked out the front door that there was "a tender opening across town that needed my urgent attention".

so i guess after that it's all downhill from here...

anybody got any more to cheer me up?

300 Kilograms

Nate, Jon and Pecos of '300 pounds' have returned from their tour in the southlands. from where i'm sitting it still looks north. maybe slightly less north.

the question on everyone's lips here in south africa is: why haven't '300 pounds' brought their licks here to the cradle of humanity? to rock the cradle so to speak... well, one thing stands in the way kids, if you want to be an international rock star you can't limit yourself by naming your band with just metric or just imperial units.

tips for international band names that aren't limited to just certain parts of the world:

minus zero kelvin
the light years
ton(ne)s o fun
smoots' one feat

i guess if you're a hard rock / metal band you can walk the razor's edge with names like 'dragonforce' (ambiguous units) and 'dream theater' (cinema or theatre in most parts of the world). just ask trent reznor next time you see him.

Oh, What On Earth Shall I Delaware?

i'll be the first to admit that i'm a little out of touch with what the celebs are wearing on the red carpet in hollywood these days. but thanks to an easter package that arrived the other day from justin and marissa i think i can safely assume they're all wearing t-shirts with fish on the front.

what a great shirt. i get jealous of the hanger when i'm not wearing it.

in what can only be assumed to be a part of their further baby-proofing their house, they mailed me a box of peeps and gag-flavored jelly beans. and thanks to the contents of their package, those of you that have been wondering if it's possible to mail me food, the answer is now a conclusive: 'that depends'.

so with the peeps out of the house, there is now room at the swett house for their second child... sigh... and it seems like just yesterday we were dragging marissa to go see 'children of men' and asking 'who could conceive such an idea?'

justin, you said you like the short blog entries. i can't imagine writing a shorter one than this one. oh wait, i have an idea...

Cosmic Bitch Slap

30 months ago when i signed the papers to come out here i don't think it ever crossed my puny little mind that when i applied for tickets for world cup phase one i would be denied on all counts. well, that's what just happened. a cosmic bitch slap two-and-a-half years in the making. my mom always said i'd believe in god someday when some beautiful miracle like the birth of a child occurred... well, it works both ways.
you know that greek guy that was punished by the gods by standing in a pool for all eternity with food and water that would forever recede from his reach when he tried to quench his thirst or hunger? his name was 'tantalus'. i feel like him but picture instead of a tree that magically moves away from me it's fifa.com's random ticket lotto system.

a classic tale retold.

by the way, it's from tantalus and that story about fifa.com that we get the word 'tantalize'. so now you know that if you meet someone at a bar and they tell you that the word tantalize was derived from a story involving them, they're lying to you.

by the way again, did you know that the word 'titilate' is derived from an allegorical story involving some tantalizing stuff yours truly did when he was in college..?

When Pigs Fly

well, they said it would never happen but i hear there's a big deal about 'swine flu'.

in dissimilar but tangential news i finally made the connection between amelia earhart's rumoured past as a lesbian and the rumour that she disappeared into the bermuda TRIANGLE... it couldn't have been more obvious unless she disappeared over a rainbow.

Walking Under the Corporate Ladder

without going into too much detail, since the last blog entry i've been busy (more on busy work to follow).

the stream of events sorta went like this:

- i stepped up to fill a vacant position as regional representative for ssi's 'young-ssi' (yssi). for every 10 full-time staff ssi has under 35, there serves a rep to look after their needs etc.
- i was informed that i'd passed my master's diploma comprehensive exam.
- i was then elected to serve as a 'maverick'. for every region (mine is kwazulu-natal inland) the reps have a maverick to serve as their representative to the maverick council.
- i was then nominated and accepted for the position of associate within ssi. if you've seen the episode the simpsons where homer grows hair and gets fast-tracked, this is ironically the reverse... my hair has begun leaping of the top of my head.
- yesterday i again was asked to step up to fill a vacancy as one of the top four mavericks to represent the mavericks at executive meetings. the joke is that there's one other american in the whole of ssi and she's one of the other three top mavericks. her name is erin and she's up in gauteng. during our monthly teleconference calls she's the one i understand the easiest.

Good News For Whatever Ales You

in one of the most exciting developments in the curbing of my homesickness i was made aware of a young upstart named stuart robson who lives about 45 minutes from me on the way to durban. not too long ago stuart moved out here from england with his wife, young child and enough pounds to start a brewery in the valley of a thousand hills. for those of you that are familiar with the area, the valley of a thousand hills is an area looking to become a tourist destination similar to the midlands meander.

instead of being tucked between pmb and the uninhabited but beautiful drakensber, the valley of a thousand hills is tucked between pmb and the massively inhabited durban. the midlands meander is home to kzn's main microbrewery, 'nottingham road brewery' the maker of pretty much the only ale in kzn not counting boddingtons or kilkenny out of a can. unfortunately, some years ago, the founder of nottingham roads whistling weasel ale kicket the bucket and left only the equipment and an 8.5x11 sheet of paper with the process written on it. the beer is now brewed in the midlands in a 'paint-by-number' fashion and tastes as such.

on the other hand, stuart robson seems to be a super-taster with not only a clinical knowledge of brewing beer but a sense of adventure in brewing that i haven't seen since Nili's hibiscus beer. stuart brews many a beer, one of which is modeled after californian makes of beer. it's not the greatest seller because it's miles different from the common south african beer but to me it's the greatest reminder of home that i've found over here.

and as if stuart hasn't done enough already, he's now developing his brewing grounds into a venue for hosting outdoor music shows. i went to one of his events. pure heaven. the stage is on a hill overlooking the lights of durban, behind you a little bar sells his line of beers and to top it off a catering table sells spicy bunny chows if you get peckish.

one of the bands playing that night was a south african act 'stealing love jones' (not be confused with martini-lounge band 'love jones') who gets regular spin on south african radio stations here. popular enough that they're now living in southern california peddling her music to all you guys. when i bought some of their music i handed the rands to the lead singer (esjay). the manager (read: handler) then flew in and said, "you can't give the money to her, it has to come to me." "or it goes straight up her nose" i finished. esjay looked caught off guard and said, "who told you that about me?"