Sign Language

if someone told me that an average american speaks 0.75 languages i wouldn't argue. i speak only english which i think makes me either;

'unilingual',
'monolingual',
'cylingual' (greek?),
or just plain ol' lingual.

but if i think that i'm so masterful with the english language how come i can't i summon the word that comes two words before bilingual?

sublingual?
millilingual?
unlingual?
keanulingual?

so i guess i should feel bad being cylingual and making fun of all the spelling and grammatical errors i see all around me here in a country with eleven national languages... some of which i can't even pronounce still. but i won't let feelings get in the way. i simply must share some of the gems i stumble across.



in this case, the 'good thing' that you can't get to is the toilet.


















just like the 'loose a turn' in the film 'office space'

















when i went to use the other door, it too became close.

I Have a Tender Opening

i know every professional has it's own dirty-but-accepted terms... well, actually i really only know the ones in structural engineering

  - erection stages
  - stiff member
  - jacking force
  - butt tight

and so on.

well my job responsibilities have brought me face to face with my new favourite expression in my line of work. yesterday i got to tell our receptionist as i walked out the front door that there was "a tender opening across town that needed my urgent attention".

so i guess after that it's all downhill from here...

anybody got any more to cheer me up?

300 Kilograms

Nate, Jon and Pecos of '300 pounds' have returned from their tour in the southlands. from where i'm sitting it still looks north. maybe slightly less north.

the question on everyone's lips here in south africa is: why haven't '300 pounds' brought their licks here to the cradle of humanity? to rock the cradle so to speak... well, one thing stands in the way kids, if you want to be an international rock star you can't limit yourself by naming your band with just metric or just imperial units.

tips for international band names that aren't limited to just certain parts of the world:

minus zero kelvin
the light years
ton(ne)s o fun
smoots' one feat

i guess if you're a hard rock / metal band you can walk the razor's edge with names like 'dragonforce' (ambiguous units) and 'dream theater' (cinema or theatre in most parts of the world). just ask trent reznor next time you see him.

Oh, What On Earth Shall I Delaware?

i'll be the first to admit that i'm a little out of touch with what the celebs are wearing on the red carpet in hollywood these days. but thanks to an easter package that arrived the other day from justin and marissa i think i can safely assume they're all wearing t-shirts with fish on the front.

what a great shirt. i get jealous of the hanger when i'm not wearing it.

in what can only be assumed to be a part of their further baby-proofing their house, they mailed me a box of peeps and gag-flavored jelly beans. and thanks to the contents of their package, those of you that have been wondering if it's possible to mail me food, the answer is now a conclusive: 'that depends'.

so with the peeps out of the house, there is now room at the swett house for their second child... sigh... and it seems like just yesterday we were dragging marissa to go see 'children of men' and asking 'who could conceive such an idea?'

justin, you said you like the short blog entries. i can't imagine writing a shorter one than this one. oh wait, i have an idea...

Cosmic Bitch Slap

30 months ago when i signed the papers to come out here i don't think it ever crossed my puny little mind that when i applied for tickets for world cup phase one i would be denied on all counts. well, that's what just happened. a cosmic bitch slap two-and-a-half years in the making. my mom always said i'd believe in god someday when some beautiful miracle like the birth of a child occurred... well, it works both ways.
you know that greek guy that was punished by the gods by standing in a pool for all eternity with food and water that would forever recede from his reach when he tried to quench his thirst or hunger? his name was 'tantalus'. i feel like him but picture instead of a tree that magically moves away from me it's fifa.com's random ticket lotto system.

a classic tale retold.

by the way, it's from tantalus and that story about fifa.com that we get the word 'tantalize'. so now you know that if you meet someone at a bar and they tell you that the word tantalize was derived from a story involving them, they're lying to you.

by the way again, did you know that the word 'titilate' is derived from an allegorical story involving some tantalizing stuff yours truly did when he was in college..?

When Pigs Fly

well, they said it would never happen but i hear there's a big deal about 'swine flu'.

in dissimilar but tangential news i finally made the connection between amelia earhart's rumoured past as a lesbian and the rumour that she disappeared into the bermuda TRIANGLE... it couldn't have been more obvious unless she disappeared over a rainbow.

Walking Under the Corporate Ladder

without going into too much detail, since the last blog entry i've been busy (more on busy work to follow).

the stream of events sorta went like this:

- i stepped up to fill a vacant position as regional representative for ssi's 'young-ssi' (yssi). for every 10 full-time staff ssi has under 35, there serves a rep to look after their needs etc.
- i was informed that i'd passed my master's diploma comprehensive exam.
- i was then elected to serve as a 'maverick'. for every region (mine is kwazulu-natal inland) the reps have a maverick to serve as their representative to the maverick council.
- i was then nominated and accepted for the position of associate within ssi. if you've seen the episode the simpsons where homer grows hair and gets fast-tracked, this is ironically the reverse... my hair has begun leaping of the top of my head.
- yesterday i again was asked to step up to fill a vacancy as one of the top four mavericks to represent the mavericks at executive meetings. the joke is that there's one other american in the whole of ssi and she's one of the other three top mavericks. her name is erin and she's up in gauteng. during our monthly teleconference calls she's the one i understand the easiest.